*sigh*
Insomnia has never sucked so much. I've had to take sleeping pills every night for the last 3 weeks. I tried a couple nights not to take them and by 2 or 3 in the morning I was ripping them open.

I used to LOVE being up all night-but now it just sucks. I'm still not sleeping upstairs in our bedroom (it just makes me cry) and Bill can't sleep on the sofabed anymore because he tosses and turns all night, so he is sleeping upstairs and I'm down here still.

I wish I had had a baby shower. I wish there had been a joyful day spent with other people celebrating Roald. I'm sitting here crying wishing I had gotten to have one and wondering what it would have looked like.

I've learned it's okay to admit to myself that it is not fair that I don't have Roald. It's okay for me to complain to myself that it's not fair. God doesn't hate me or look down on me for saying it's not fair. Lots of stuff isn't fair. As long as I don't cross the lines of blaming people, being angry with people over losing Roald, saying I wish it would happen to other people, etc. I don't feel or think those ways, but here lately every day seems to remind me even more of just how unfair this is.
I guess other things in my life have been unfair but I didn't let them rule my life. But this feels so unfair-I feel gutted. And the terrible thing I am realizing is that when you lose something that means so much to you-a person you love-knowing and talking to other people who have had the same loss seems comforting, but really it does not lessen the pain. You feel a little less alone but it doesn't fill the emptiness, the void. It's like if you're starving without ANY food and a bunch of other starving people come join you in the same bubble and you see people outside the bubble eating. Some moderately, some gorging themselves. But it doesn't change the fact that all of you in the starvation bubble are, well, starving. You have no food, even though you have each other. Does this make sense?

Bill starts a new job on Monday. I would have been 36 weeks on Monday. We got my prenatal vitamins refilled this week before he switches jobs and losses insurance until May. The new job's insurance is awesome, but it won't kick in until May and I am nOT waiting until May to TTC. So I have 40 prenatal vitamins to take if we get pregnant before I can get to the doctor's.