*sigh*
Insomnia has never sucked so much. I've had to take sleeping pills every night for the last 3 weeks. I tried a couple nights not to take them and by 2 or 3 in the morning I was ripping them open.

I used to LOVE being up all night-but now it just sucks. I'm still not sleeping upstairs in our bedroom (it just makes me cry) and Bill can't sleep on the sofabed anymore because he tosses and turns all night, so he is sleeping upstairs and I'm down here still.

I wish I had had a baby shower. I wish there had been a joyful day spent with other people celebrating Roald. I'm sitting here crying wishing I had gotten to have one and wondering what it would have looked like.

I've learned it's okay to admit to myself that it is not fair that I don't have Roald. It's okay for me to complain to myself that it's not fair. God doesn't hate me or look down on me for saying it's not fair. Lots of stuff isn't fair. As long as I don't cross the lines of blaming people, being angry with people over losing Roald, saying I wish it would happen to other people, etc. I don't feel or think those ways, but here lately every day seems to remind me even more of just how unfair this is.
I guess other things in my life have been unfair but I didn't let them rule my life. But this feels so unfair-I feel gutted. And the terrible thing I am realizing is that when you lose something that means so much to you-a person you love-knowing and talking to other people who have had the same loss seems comforting, but really it does not lessen the pain. You feel a little less alone but it doesn't fill the emptiness, the void. It's like if you're starving without ANY food and a bunch of other starving people come join you in the same bubble and you see people outside the bubble eating. Some moderately, some gorging themselves. But it doesn't change the fact that all of you in the starvation bubble are, well, starving. You have no food, even though you have each other. Does this make sense?

Bill starts a new job on Monday. I would have been 36 weeks on Monday. We got my prenatal vitamins refilled this week before he switches jobs and losses insurance until May. The new job's insurance is awesome, but it won't kick in until May and I am nOT waiting until May to TTC. So I have 40 prenatal vitamins to take if we get pregnant before I can get to the doctor's.

Okay, this week is really making me feel like s**t. I know it's not really "the week". The fact that I am no longer pregnant, that I am no longer carrying Roald, is becoming too clear. My body feels like an empty vessel. I read birth stories...I look at pictures of pregnant women...I look at pictures of new baby boys...I read other peoples' blogs who are about as far along in their pregnancies as I would have been...And then boom, it hits me. I should be like these people. I should be over 35 weeks pregnant. I should be having a birth story to tell soon (I DO have a birth story, but no one wants to hear a birth story when it ends with a dead baby). I should be so big I am just about ready to pop. I should soon have tons of pictures of every waking (and sleeping) moment of a new baby boy.

Then I feel my soft stomache. No more hard uterus. I see my computer desktop-my son's grave. I eat hot wings...followed by no puking and/or heartburn. Then when I try to assuage myself by saying "Roald will always be gone; you will never see him again in this life, but you will have another baby and hopefully babies, someday; probably not too long from now. They can't replace him and you are already a mother, but you will someday have the joy of raising your children."
Then I think about how long my next pregnancy is going to feel. How many things that should be joyous that are going to be bittersweet. The thing that is probably going to be the hardest or the second hardest is going to be...ultrasounds. And my doctor told us on December 23 that during my next pregnancy I will have more of them. I can only have an ultrasound at the Lebanon office of WHC and all 3 times I had an u/s I went there and it was in the same room. I am thinking that might possibly be because they only do obstetrical ultrasounds in that room.

I'm so scared of just breaking down when having an ultrasound. I'm scared of having a flashback of being all alone, without my husband, in that room, having an ultrasound done because our son's heartbeat couldn't be detected via doppler. Then seeing him dead on the screen. That will be terrible if I have to be in that room again. Labor and delivery will be painful, too. It will be happy and so sad. I just feel so sad about not being able to see who he would have looked like, that he could never look at me. He and Terry are the only people I have ever wanted to look me in my eyes. I wish Roald would have been born alive, even if he would have died. How I would cherish the memory of his cry, the memory of his soft skin. The memory of maybe a look at me.
It just hurts so bad to labor and give birth and not have any baby with you. It's like my labor is invisible to everyone else. I have so many memories of being pregnant and they make me miss Roald. I can remember praying to God thanking him for my ability to be pregnant, to conceive. Even with the sickness every day, I told God it was worth it and it was.

When I am pregnant next time, I know things will trigger memories from my pregnancy with Roald. But he can't be replaced. I will do my best to enjoy that pregnancy with THAT baby, but my first long-running pregnancy will always be when I was carrying Roald. Just like the first time I had swollen breasts that hurt so bad it made me laugh from being pregnant was when I was carrying our itty bitty Terry.

I'm just alone, lonely, sad and pretty miserable. Rambling on and on...

Okay, I am a little annoyed. Somehow when I originally made our new pregnancy plan online I must have selected the year 2003. Grr! So, I originally thought our first fertile round would be the first week of March, but instead, this is what it is:

3/14/09 - First day of your cycle
3/25/09 - A little bit fertile
3/26/09 - Fertile
3/27/09-VERY fertile
3/28/09 - Time to ovulate
4/07/09 - A home pregnancy test may work now.
4/11/09 - End of cycle
4/14/09 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
12/19/09 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

So, we are planning on going away for our first wedding anniversary the 20-22 and we will be following form as we did the first two pregnancies. We find out our fertile round and tack on more days before ovulation and even after (just in case my cycle is a little off or something).

So...March 19-April 1 we will be going like two crazy bunnies!

Today is Terry's due date. I feel more awkward than upset. I know Roald's will be terrible. I felt upset about what today is yesterday, really. I have just been being lazy today and I'm in a bad mood.

Is it March yet??? I just want to be able to get pregnant again. I know no one can replace Terry or Roald and that having more children will not take away the pain of losing them, but just because I've lost my first two children doesn't mean I don't want more. I've always wanted a good number of kids. I'm just ready for that new pregnancy that will hopefully end in happiness and not sorrow.

My life feels so empty; if I had another child it would feel more complete and satisfying. Lord, please help us conceive soon! Make 2009 our year!

I'm glad it's at least the end of January, but I just know February is going to feel like it is taking SOOOO LONGGG. I am ready to try to get pregnant again! When I ovulate in a few days, I know I will be thinking in my head "at this time in one month [in March] we will be trying to conceive! Why not start this month? [February]?"

Ugh, I can't wait! That March egg...our Easter egg...I really hope that is the one!!! We would be able to possibly get a positive home pregnancy test at the end of March and that would be the BEST one year anniversary present! Our anniversary is on March 22. I keep telling myself "it only took one try both times you got pregnant before, that means the odds are in your total favor that you will hit the nail your first try this time". I hope that is how it happens.

We decided to start trying in late April 2008; we conceived around May 5 and found out on May 21 via HPT. When I miscarried May 25, I stopped bleeding May 29. We were told since I m/c at only 2-2 and a half weeks gestational, it was safe to try again. We conceived around June 8 and found out via HPT we were pregnant June 26.

Oh, Lord, I know you know I have been trying sooo hard to be better at most things, especially the last week...Please, Lord, bless us with conception in March!!!

Terry's due date is on Monday. I cried a little about that today. Roald's due date is going to be orrific. I can just feel it.

I would have been 34 weeks 5 days pregnant today. I'd be soo big and round and be feeling him move...being so excited and anxious and scared about delivery.

That is going to be so strange the next time I am pregnant...especially once we actually make it to the hospital. I dread some nurse or docotr asking me if this is "my first one/time". I know it won't be as scary...nothing was ever as scary as going to the hospital 45 minutes after you've been told your baby is dead and that you need to be induced, labor and give birth to him.

I will be very happy when I go into labor or am induced next time, but it will be bittersweet and I am already preparing myself for that emotionally and mentally.

I just know I will burst into tears of simultaneous happiness and grief when I hear the baby screaming.

:(

I miss my babies

On Tuesday I was having a stressful day. I was sitting on our front porch smoking a cigarette (if you're reading this and do not know me personally, I did not smoke during either of my pregnancies, but after losing Roald I began again; I am currently slowly getting myself off of caffeine completely and will also quit smoking by March, which is when we are going to try to conceive again).

Anyhoo, I was sitting there. I started to feel rather peaceful and it was a sort of gloomy-looking afternoon. I like that kind of weather, I do not like it when the sun is mercilessly beating down, lol. Up in the beautiful sky, far, but not too far away, were two big beautiful birds flying near each other. They were flying in circles that almost intersected, but didn't. They looked pretty talented at doing this, so I'm sure it is something that birds normally do. But it was so pretty and graceful and I've never seen them do that before.

Even though I know Terry and Roald are with Jesus and Heaven isn't literally in our sky (it is far off in a dimension (if you will) that is unfathomable to us), it just felt like God, Terry and Roald were setting these two birds flying in my view just for me at that moment. Like Terry and Roald gently playing together. They did this for what seemed like awhile, but it was more like a maximum of 4 or 5 minutes.

Sorry to be so corny, but it was a moment that will stay with me forever now and I just sort of felt like sharing it.

Well, after some reading today I seem very much at peace with what happened to Roald. I've been reading about thin or lean umbilical cords and my vomiting may not have even been the cause for his cord being thin. Apparently, it is something that just happens sometimes, and most babies survive. It says babies with thin cords are usually smaller than their actual gestational age (the doctor called me a few days after our October 23rd. ultrasound to say we needed another ultrasound on November 19th. because he was just a little smaller than he was supposed to be). They are usually at high risk for having distress in labor, so many times they are delivered via C-section. But the actual widhth of the cord is not, in itself, fatal to unborn babies. If the thin cord happens to get bent or twisted, this can result in the death of the child. This is what happened to Roald. It is a type of cord accident. While it makes me sad to think that if there hadn't been an accident Roald could have been born healthy and safely still, I am glad it is something that is not likely to occur again. And even if it does, they can monitor me closely and help me hopefully. I've read it is not a genetic issue, so the likelihoodof me having another child with a thin cord is very low.

Phew.

I just still miss him so much. I still wish I could have carried him for longer, even if he still would have died. I would have loved to see what his face would have actually looked like.

*sighs*

I guess these feelings will never go away and I will just have to accept that it happened the way it happened and when it happened.

I would have been 33 weeks 2 days pregnant today. I would have been so nervous and excited!!!! Getting closer...now as that due date creeps nearer, I just find myself dreading it.

Jesus has taken a beautiful bud, Out of our garden of love

I am waiting for my parents to get here so we can go to the memorial place and order Roald's gravestone. I will be so glad when he has something official like a stone there. I like the cross my dad made, but I like the idea of a stone so much. I love going to that cemetery. It makes me feel so much better.

I have not felt very good the last two days because yesterday is when I started cutting out caffeine. Ugh, withdrawal. I started taking my vitamins today, though. But those sometimes make me sick, too, when I first start taking them. AH!

I just want March to be over with. I want both of my due dates past and plus if my period stays how it is now, we will be doing it like crazy March 5-15, which will be our fertile time for that month. So once March is completely over, my due dates will be gone and we will find out if we get pregnant on the first try this time, too.

Lord, please bless us with a baby to cherish on earth this time!