In a few days, I am either going to be happy...or annoyed. I told Bill on Thursday that my period was due Saturday, February 14. So we went out to dinner and had our V-day bed fun on Friday. It is Sunday and it still has not come. Yes, I know I'm only 1 day late. But my period in December and January was perfect; it came and went on exactly the days it said it should have on my chart! December 18-23; January 17-22. It was supposed to be February 14-19. *sighs*

Bill said maybe I'm pregnant. A few weeks ago he stopped using the comdoms and has been practicing the pull-out method. So...there is a possibility I'm pregnant. It only took one try both times I was pregnant before. And my period was DUE May 21 when I got 2 BFPs. My period was due June 25 when I got a BFP on June 26. Who knows. But if I'm not pregnant...then I will be annoyed when my period does decide to show up. Cause it messes up my TTC chart and I have to fix it! Argh!!

I had this dream last night. That Roald's gravestone was installed and that it was...WRONG. It was long vertically, but still the flat or flush stone. It was huge, about the length of his grave. Then it said ROALD WALLECE LIGHTNER (should be Wallace) and it was this black stone instead of the grey granite we ordered. And the Precious Moments boy angel was not on it. I was SO MAD.

I am becoming impatient about this stone. It is nice to have something to "look forward to" concerning Roald. So I guess maybe once it IS here, it will be sort of sad. I don't think I ever would have thought I would be "happy" about a gravestone for a baby. I am a little worried, though. Since Roald is no longer on the end of his row, there is a baby grave on each side of his. The boy to the left has gotten his gravestone in and it pretty much takes up the width of his grave. I'd say his stone is about 16" x 18". Now that Allie is buried to the right of Roald...well, we're kind of pressed for space. There is plenty of space to decorate and whatnot. But we ordered a 20" x 24" stone. I originally planned on a 16" x 18", but then the lady told me we couldn't have his full name, date and WE LOVE YOU as well as the carved picture. So we had to go with 20 x 24. I just REALLY hope they fit it in there. If they asked me if they could move him...Ugh, that will be so painful. And obviously they can't move Trent or Allie nor would I want them to. *sighs*

I really hope they install it soon, though. The weather has been perfect for them to do something like that and ALL of the snow is gone. It's kind of freaky to walk outside now and see NO snow. I'm going to the graveyard today. First time in almost 3 weeks again. I hate the waits. I wish I could go every day.

I would have been 37 weeks 1 day pregnant today. Yesterday I wanted to quit the cigarettes in preparation for TTC (trying to conceive) next month. As those of you who know me already know, as soon as my fertile days come around I have no problem quitting. All I need to think about is the innocent baby and that is enough to stop me from this selfish addiction.

Anyway, I was going out to the porch last night to smoke one (I have cut down to only a few a day though versus 10 a day). It suddenly hit me that I can walk normally and gracefully; I shouldn't be walking like that. I should be waddling. I also noticed durng the day yesterday when I looked outside something was different. And I DIDN'T like it. No snow. It's one more thing that reminds me of the last time I had Roald that is going to change, to go away. I don't want it to.

Have I mentioned how much I love "homecooking" lately? I have begun watching the 1980s Strawberry Shortcake videos yesterday while I cook and clean like I used to. Those are so familiar and I have them completely memorized, but they make me feel better when I am feeling down for any reason. I also want more sons, but I can't wait to have a daughter to watch them with! We are totally playing Strawberry Shortcake together! I will go eBay crazy when we find out we are having a girl someday!

I miss Roald so much. I wish I was still pregnant with him. So bad. I guess somedays you dig deeeper, but that is really what it comes down to. Grief can be so bitter and so painful, but usually that is all I say or think: "I wish he was still here." Maybe I'm not making sense. We have 37 more days until we are are going to start TTC again! AF (Aunt Flo) is due in 4 days. I know I hate the way I look and have issues with that but ever since May 21, 2008 when I got that first positive home pregnancy test (I was pregnant with Terry), I've secretly loved my body. Loved the way it works...loved it and felt so grateful I don't have the painful issues some other women have. Even after I miscarried Terry, one month later when I got that positive HPT on June 26 with Roald I loved my body even more. After labor and delivery of Roald I love it even more. I guess some people would rather miscarry than have to labor and give birth to a premature stillborn child, but I am glad I got that experience. I'm glad that, unlike with Terry, I knew Roald's gender; I felt him move inside me; I watched him wiggle around on an ultrasound; I have U/S scans of his body when he was living; I got to go shopping for his baby things; I got to name him with Bill; I got to hear his heartbeat. I am also so grateful I got to further that bond with him by having to labor to give birth to him. How I wish I didn't have that epidural for the final 3 and a half hours of my total 13 and a half hours. The pain and work is what a mother must go through to give birth; to me, it is proof to anyone who counts him as less than live babies or full-term stillborn babies that he was a baby, too. That I am a mother, too. I'm glad that my body losing him was not like it was with Terry: in the bathroom at church, at home, sitting in it in an E.R. bed. I had a suite in the maternity ward, the cart with the plastic baby bed. I had a birth experience. Even though he was dead, I am glad I got to have that. Those memories, painful as they are, are precious to me. They seem to validate my being a mother.

Okay, now I am crying. Time to go make stromboli dough...

Here we are, early February. I'm baking Bill chocolate drops and will make the peanut butter frosting then. It is so strange how the mere thought of food when I was pregnant made me sick (most of the time). Since losing Roald, baking has been almost like therapy for me. The first thing I baked after losing him was peanut butter blossoms (those little peanut butter cookies with chocolate kisses on them). I baked them for Bill on like Monday or Tuesday (had Roald on the Saturday before that).

Even cooking dinners and stuff is fun now. Before I was pregnant I loved baking and making sweet things, but I felt very untalented and lacklustre in cooking breakfast, dinner, etc. But now, like so many other things, making peanut butter blossoms will NEVER be the same. I am considering baking them every time his birthday is around as part of the other things I am planning on doing in memoriam.

I would have been 36 weeks 2 days pregnant today. I need to start getting serious about my exercise routine this month. I gained a good amount of weight in November and December and the first half of Jnauary. Then I began cooking and cleaning alot and I feel myself starving by the time dinner is ready (I'm eating more regularly) and I feel more energized from moving around. So I thin kI have lost a little bit (my rings are even feeling a little loose). I need to start drinking more water and milk, though. And remembering to take a vitamin EVERY day.

I find a LITTLE bit of comfort in that one month from today Roald's due date will be over. But then again, like anything that has to do with him, that also makes me feel like he will be so much more further away.

Bill started his new job Monday and he says he likes it. I feel like he's started a new school and is my kid or something, lol. I can tell we both are acting different with it. I feel more at ease with his steady schedule and not always talking about work. He acts more energized and like when he is home he IS home in his mind, too. I also like that he said there are no naked women calendars hanging up or anything like that there. At his old job I know they were all over and that people would actually stand around talking about stuff like that. And he said he is pretty antisocial at this new job, but that everyone else seems to keep to themselves, too. I hope this job is good for him mentally and emotionally.

I just feel...like really empty. I'm not suicidal or crying all the time, but life just feels boring. I want to have children. I miss Roald. And Terry even. I know dealing with Roald is so much harder, but Terry is always sitting in my heart, too. When I found out I was pregnant with them, it wa spure joy for me and everyone. I told everyone right away. I had no idea anything was going to go wrong. The bliss was really innocent. It wasn't quite like that with Roald. If I told someone I also added that they should keep my pregnancy a secret until after 6 weeks. That feels weird, you know. I don't know if I am going to do that again or not.