Here we are, early February. I'm baking Bill chocolate drops and will make the peanut butter frosting then. It is so strange how the mere thought of food when I was pregnant made me sick (most of the time). Since losing Roald, baking has been almost like therapy for me. The first thing I baked after losing him was peanut butter blossoms (those little peanut butter cookies with chocolate kisses on them). I baked them for Bill on like Monday or Tuesday (had Roald on the Saturday before that).

Even cooking dinners and stuff is fun now. Before I was pregnant I loved baking and making sweet things, but I felt very untalented and lacklustre in cooking breakfast, dinner, etc. But now, like so many other things, making peanut butter blossoms will NEVER be the same. I am considering baking them every time his birthday is around as part of the other things I am planning on doing in memoriam.

I would have been 36 weeks 2 days pregnant today. I need to start getting serious about my exercise routine this month. I gained a good amount of weight in November and December and the first half of Jnauary. Then I began cooking and cleaning alot and I feel myself starving by the time dinner is ready (I'm eating more regularly) and I feel more energized from moving around. So I thin kI have lost a little bit (my rings are even feeling a little loose). I need to start drinking more water and milk, though. And remembering to take a vitamin EVERY day.

I find a LITTLE bit of comfort in that one month from today Roald's due date will be over. But then again, like anything that has to do with him, that also makes me feel like he will be so much more further away.

Bill started his new job Monday and he says he likes it. I feel like he's started a new school and is my kid or something, lol. I can tell we both are acting different with it. I feel more at ease with his steady schedule and not always talking about work. He acts more energized and like when he is home he IS home in his mind, too. I also like that he said there are no naked women calendars hanging up or anything like that there. At his old job I know they were all over and that people would actually stand around talking about stuff like that. And he said he is pretty antisocial at this new job, but that everyone else seems to keep to themselves, too. I hope this job is good for him mentally and emotionally.

I just feel...like really empty. I'm not suicidal or crying all the time, but life just feels boring. I want to have children. I miss Roald. And Terry even. I know dealing with Roald is so much harder, but Terry is always sitting in my heart, too. When I found out I was pregnant with them, it wa spure joy for me and everyone. I told everyone right away. I had no idea anything was going to go wrong. The bliss was really innocent. It wasn't quite like that with Roald. If I told someone I also added that they should keep my pregnancy a secret until after 6 weeks. That feels weird, you know. I don't know if I am going to do that again or not.